Love is patient. Love is kind.

"Love is Patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

1 Corinthians 13:4-6

Don't worry. I'm not going to go into a testimony of Jesus and tell everyone that they need to be a christian in order to find love and happiness. Although, I am a christian, don't be thrown off by the bible verse. Are your ready? Let's dive into that verse with an open mind, Shall we?? Here we go. 

We all desire to be loved. We're human. That's how we function. I believe that even those with the most sociopathic tendencies truly only desire love and acceptance. Even the most evil person you can think of desired love at some point. It's very possible that the reason someone so evil is the way they are is because they were not given love. True, deep, enduring love. It's sad. And while we should be aware of people we should also be understanding and proactive to not build resentment towards such treatment. Rather, remove yourself from it.

Recently I have experienced a different kind of love than i'm used to and it's got me to thinking. What do we think love is? What do we expect? What do we tolerate, and why? Why for so long was it okay for me to accept love that was less than satisfactory and much less than I deserved. At some points, downright abusive and manipulative. Okay, at most points in my past. Why did I hear words of hate and turn them in my head into cries for help? Why do I have a savior complex? Why do I still see woman do the same as grown adults? I think this comes from out inability to believe that we are quite literally worth the world. We are WORTH everything stated in this verse above. We are worth patience and kindness. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

I have a friend who was telling me about how she was recently spoken to by a man she loves. It made me so angry. His way of breaking her down to make her small so he could control her was by belittling her actions and making her feel guilty for standing up for herself and for what she deserves. That's bullshit. When a man says things like, " See, there you go again. It's always about you, isn't it?" I think its rarely ever about her. Actually, it's always about him and he doesn't want to make it even slightly about her. So any distraction from HIS personal NEEDS seems an incredible inconvenience. THAT IS NOT LOVE. THAT IS CONTROL. When a man speaks to you and says things like isn't it? Don't you? That's what I thought. or, makes you feel like shit for asking for simple things. Like, "GOD, can you be any more needy? I think I need a break. I feel like I just can't give you enough." Unless you're seriously codependent and you're needs are beyond his ability because of your own personal insecurities, this man is an asshole. And you should probably just walk away. Even IF your needs are at times difficult to meet, and man who understands love will do his very best, WITH PATIENCE to meet them. To make you feel secure. He will rejoice in trying his very best in trying to love you as deeply as he can.

Another example is a man yelling at you. Even a little. I don't care what you've been told or what you believe. You're about to change it? Got it? 

No man, should ever raise his voice to you. Not even slightly. Again, a real man who understands real love should have the emotional capacity to know when to take an F'n walk and calm down. Gather himself and return to you in a humble way to discuss whatever it is you're BOTH worked up about in a way that is helpful to your relationship. There is ZERO need to yell. No need to put someone down that you love to help protect you from the possibility of being hurt by her, or, just hurt by life. Because life is a bitch. Suit up baby, you're alive. There's no turning back. 

This brings me to my next point. Commitment. It's necessary. 

If a man is afraid of it, let him date the young girl he met at the gym who has zero thought of babies and a future. The one who just wants to be taken to dinner and given nice jewelry and be seen around town with him. She's perfect for him. Seriously. 

ALSO- There is nothing wrong with her either. 

She's just in a different place than you, and you want more than him. 

I promise. 

Do not allow a man to be intimate with you, then just be on his merry way. I'm a (close to) 30 year old woman and I can confidently tell you that if you find a man who isn't too stoked on waiting on sex until you're both confident in your commitment to one another he is actually just a shallow, self seeking individual who will never provide you with that you desire. And deserve. Some men never want commitment. That's okay! again, he's free to be whomever he would like. But he's not for you. Don't start sleeping with a man you really like who straight up told you he wasn't looking for a relationship thinking your amazing personality and body, and sure let's even add wardrobe and education; will change him. It won't. You could be the most perfect specimen of female on the planet and I can tell you that if a man doesn't want to commit to a woman.. he won't. If he doesn't want kids, you're not going to make him desire to learn to swaddle a baby no matter how many photos you send him while you're babysitting your friends newborn. He doesn't give a shit about baby noises. In fact, he probably at this point just wants you to stop making noises. If he does not want a commitment, he isn't for you. Why? Because you do. It's super simple. IF you're one of those free, independent women who say things like, "well I don't either. I don't want to be in a relationship. I enjoy my freedom." BAHAHAHAHA. Okay gurl! I see you. And I hear you. I also want to tell you that the reason you say that is because some man at some point shattered your heart and your idea of what you deserve. You think being completely in control will protect you. Don't worry, you're not alone. I was there too. But i'm sorry to break it to you...  It's false. But whatever, sister live that single girl dream! HAPPY HOUR IS FROM 4-6 AND BUMBLE NOW HAS BFF MODE. Literally, you're set.

All in all love is very simple. That's why I placed this verse at the top. Love is patient. Find a man who looks at you and actually sees you, therefor wants to be there. Wants to have the patience to handle whatever may come you way. Love is kind. You know what kindness is. Don't settle for anything less from an individual you're deciding to give your heart to. Let's be smart here. it doesn't not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. There is no need for competition within a partnership. If you see that, be aware and make smart decisions. It's a red flag. NOT a decorative banner. If you and your partner are grumpy and annoyed or downright angry more than you find joy in their presence. It's doomed. If there is no forgiveness for mistakes made, there can be no progress. A running tally of how many times each of you are harmed the other makes no sense and does no good for anyone. Including you. Little do you realize that holding onto the wrongs that your partner has done to you does nothing but build resentment inside you toward them therefor making it next to impossible for you to exercise love. And lastly, trust. If you feel that you can not trust the person you are sharing your life with, you are in a situation I do not envy and I encourage you to quickly remove yourself.

So now you've read my long ramble about love. It may seem this is a guide to dating and relationships, and who in the hell qualified me, Danielle Dudek to give you that advise? I'm divorced and single for over 3 years now. You would be crazy to take it from me. Well, then don't. I didn't write that statement above.

And most of all what I learned about love in the recent months is that if I treat MYSELF with that much love no single person in this universe will ever get away with giving me anything less. I believe the verse in the bibles goes for seeking a partner, but also.. in nurturing yourself. When you love yourself deeply you will never again question your worth, and guess what?
NEITHER WILL ANYONE ELSE, EVER AGAIN.

I love you.
Press On Pretty Girls.
You deserve it.

XO,
DANI