This post will be a hard one to write. Or maybe an easy one. Or maybe both.
Two days ago I was sitting on my living room floor and I'm crying. I couldn't stop. I recently have developed an absolute hatred for my body. I feel so incredibly "fat" and I hate the way I look. I stare at myself all day. I pull on my skin and the places where I have body fat that I hate. I can't stand the way I have become and I don't understand it. Two months ago I loved my progress. I loved my muscular build and suddenly I think and feel like a fat, ugly, undesirable woman. I know that my life is falling into place exactly as I have always dreamed it would. I am happy with my career. My friends and the things we do and way we support each other is wonderful. I am happy in terms of romance. I just hate the way I look. BUT what does that do to all my other relationships? It puts heavy stress on them as I reach for something to fill the hole in me that comes from negative self image obsession.
A few days ago I stopped tracking macros. I stopped lifting according to my plan given to me by my coach because I started feeling completely obsessive. I promised myself that if my bodybuilding ever got to a place where I was mentally unhealthy that I would stop. Having suffered from anorexia and body dysmorphia I am well aware that I can be my own worst enemy. A week ago one of my best friends came to me and expressed concern. She said it worries her and others the way I see myself. I had been told this before. I can't remember the last time I felt truly 100% comfortable with the way I looked. I can be told how beautiful I am. How my story has helped others grow, and learn, and change and become the happy, beautiful women I am BEGGING you all to be. But the truth is I am also one of you. And I also struggle.
It is likely that I struggle harder. I truthfully believe that those who feel the most broken throw themselves into the spotlight to FEEL better. However these same individuals who you see and think, Wow! I wish I was that confident. That fit! that comfortable in my skin! are likely the ones who sit at home ripping themselves apart in private. I have chosen to do mine in a way of encouragement but that isn't always the case.
I wish so badly I could tell you all that I am the confident woman you follow on instagram all the time. That the way I see myself is covered in glitter and feeling like I am 100% enough just because I am me. But that's a lie. And it's time I stop lying to you guys.
Yesterday I came to my coach with tears rolling down my face and told him I couldn't do this. Not that I couldn't, but I wont. I will not continue to degrade myself. I am in no way growing positivity from competitive body building anymore and that is a sign for me that it's time to stop. I am a pretty black or white type of gal. I commit fully to everything I decide to do. I give one hundred percent of my effort. I love with all my heart. I exhaust myself in pursuit of my dreams. I just don't stop. Part of my discomfort with this entire experience is finding the balance between healthy, and obsessed, and then finding the courage to "quit" if I've crossed a line. I don't quit. Not on people. Not on tasks. And not on myself. So this is the hardest thing I have done in a while.
I also have no idea how to eat anymore. I know what healthy eating looks like. I am knowledgeable but the only thing I have done since 2012 when living healthy, was track my food. The times that I didn't track I was in an opposite type of spiral. A binge eating spiral and gained 60lbs consuming enough wine to sustain italian families for a year and enough nacho's to make a family fiesta look like a seat at the kids table. Girl can eat. And girl can eat herself sick.
So this is weird. Eating is weird. Eating a salad with feta AND avocado is hard for me. Also the olive oil in the dressing. Essentially to me i'm currently eating a bowl of fat macros that far exceeds my daily count. I have no developed another type of eating disorder. UGH.
Yesterday I drank a fresh pressed juice of carrot, apple and pineapple. It was delicious. But i've never done that. Why? Because carrots are carbs. Apples are carbs. Pineapples are carbs. And if i'm going to ingest carbs you bet your ass it's going to be in the form of bread. Or rice cake PB & J's. 4 of them for the amount of carbs that were in my micro nutrient packed juice.
I'm doing my best today. But this is hard. I stumbled upon an eating phycologist via IG and reached out to her. I am talking with friends of mine who intuitively eat and they're helping me understand. I am using trial and error to see what my body reacts to. But let me explain what the last week has been like. There is a little TMI here, so deal with it, we're all adults.
- I am finally going to the bathroom regularly. The last 5 months I have had a lot of issues with this and have taken everything from fiber supplements to laxatives to help me relieve discomfort.
- I feel full. I am not hungry. Sure when it clearly comes time to eat, I begin to feel hungry but I am no longer craving things that are essentially taking over my mind. I have been craving carbs this entire prep. Like truthfully can't live without it or I feel anxious. Since I stopped counting and started eating Micro Nutrient packed foods I don't crave anything! I just eat. It's so crazy to me.
- I feel more energized. This isn't BS you guys. I'm doing my workouts 5 days at week at Nth Degree and ripping through them. My run feels better. My body feels like it's WORKING for me not me working it. Does that make sense?
- I am leaner. I don't even know. I weigh more. My weight at the lowest during my prep was 157lbs. I am 160lbs as of today but I am noticeably leaner.
- I feel more alert. My head has been extremely foggy the last few months. I wasn't sleeping well. Waking up every couple hours. A lot of tossing and turning which in turn kind of made me a walking zombie. I am one of those annoying happy people with ADHD so naturally I have a lot of energy but I could tell the difference within myself. For instance I had not posted here on this blog because I could not think of anything to write about. I tried several times to sit down and write. Nothing came to mind.
That's just this week and my first week. We shall see.
This blog post is kind of just to type it all out. To be honest with those who follow my journey. I know so many people have watched me prep with no competition date announced and maybe thought, hmmm, what is she up to. So now that I am throwing out a giant plot twist I thought an explanation was in order. HEY YOU GUYSSSS, I'M QUITTING BODYBUILDING!!!!!!! may have been sufficient, but i'm long winded.
Thank you all so much for the encouragement and support over the last 2.5 ish years of me figuring myself out. I still am shocked daily that so many strangers care about me, my future and my past, but let me tell you- it's the coolest, most rewarding thing to be connected to all of you.
As always,
Love you long time.
Let's start this next chapter together.
Thanks for being a part of my #PressOnPrettyGirl Team.
Hi Dani! :) Welcome to a new part of your journey. I've been pursuing food neutrality for myself since January of this year. It's... been... interesting. Especially, since I am so big. I've spent the last three years of my life tracking everything, and while I lost some of my weight, I didn't lose it all...
ReplyDeleteI realized that the joy I experienced from losing over 100 pounds wasn't sustainable! There was always going to be more weight to lose, or a different body to try and mimic. There was always a reason I didn't feel good enough, that I didn't feel like I had the right amount of social capital to exist in this world. And, if that was the case, what would my mental state be like if I managed to lose the rest of my weight? Who would I be? Would I be me? Would I be happy?
And, so, I gave myself permission to pursue a love story instead of a weightloss story. To pursue the exercise I loved, instead of the exercise I felt I had to do because I was punishing myself for being fat (or proving to fellow gym rats that I "could hang"). To trust myself to pursue intuitive eating and listen to my body - so that I could feed her the foods that nourished and energized her.
Some days, I'm triggered and I feel like I need to go back to the 2 hour workouts and the macro tracking because I hate my body. And then, I remember that losing weight didn't help me love my body. It made me feel better in it, but it didn't make me love it.
And so, I'm trusting my body to tell me what she needs and what she loves. And, it turns out, she really does prefer a lower carb existence (for me, that is less bloat and less achy joints). She really does love heavy lifting -- but she no longer needs to compete with the women next to her.
I realize so much about my weightloss journey has been to prove that it's ok that I exist at all; to tell that world that I'm sorry for handling trauma with food; to gain social capital; to fit the world's standard of beauty.... And not one of those motivations is life-giving or sustainable for the long-haul.
So this is me -- pursuing health with self-love; pursuing health in a way that rails against the world's standard practices. Much of my old fitfam thinks I'm crazy, but I think I'm finally sane.
Welcome to loving yourself differently. It's a whole new world.
xo,
kendra