Heartbroken and shaky but holding it together, standing with a smile. (a post about my job, my heart and my ovaries. Read on if you dare)

"

I'M SO CONFUSED. 

I KNOW I HEARD YOU LOUD AND CLEAR, SO I FOLLOWED THROUGH.

SOMEHOW I ENDED UP HERE.

I DON'T WANT TO THINK

I MAY NEVER UNDERSTAND,

THAT MY BROKEN HEART IS A PART OF YOUR PLAN.

WHEN I TRY TO PRAY, 

ALL I GOT IS HURT.

AND THESE 4 WORDS.

THY WILL BE DONE.

THY WILL BE DONE.

"

Two weeks ago I went to work. The place I love. The job I feel was made for me. The gift I feel God gave me. I went, I did my job with joy, and I left. 3 hours later I received an email saying I no longer had a job. Not just me, but none of us. The company has closed down. I was walking down the street going to dinner to meet a friend. I thought this was a joke. I thought our computer system must have been hacked. Right? This can't be real? Why? It does not make any sense, I was literally there 3 hours ago doing my thing. But it wasn't a joke. It was real and I was devastated. This may seem dramatic, right? It's just a job. You have a resume and you'll find something new. I hear ya.. that's true. Let me go into why this was so devastating to me. Ready? Here comes a Dani ramble and a whole lot of feelings and emotions. 

I left a job I loved in August 2015 because I had finally gotten an opportunity to be a full time personal trainer. Something I had fallen in love with as I lost 50lbs and became fully amerced in the industry of changing lives through health and fitness. My entire focus shifted and suddenly I felt I had PURPOSE.

 I had found direction. If felt God had given me the calling of starting Press On Pretty Girl. I felt my sobriety was something that would change not only my life but many as I FINALLY came to accept it.You guys know the story. If you're here you've likely read some previous post. If you haven't, I would love it if you scrolled back and did. I would love if you understood who I am and why i'm here. Anyway, I was training. 6 months into this position I was suddenly "let go" at 6am on a Monday morning, two weeks before Christmas. YIKES.

 No notice and no plan. I was heartbroken. I found myself wondering if this was even worth it. Should I go back to school and start again?  Maybe i'm not meant to be a trainer. Is this even a real career?How could my stability be determined by someone else so frivolously that they can just suddenly tell me "hey, sorry, but we don't have a place for you."  

I walked home and sat on my floor and cried. I didn't understand. I followed the direction I felt I was supposed to take and did so righteously with my heart in the right place. I was helping people. I was staying sober. I was riding a bike 9 miles each way to work and back and making it to 5 AA meetings a week to keep myself on track while trying to figure out this sober living thing. I was also figuring out how to survive now without a license and being so broke after paying fines and fee's that were astronomical. I had made it through what I felt was the roughest time of my life and made it 7 months. Suddenly my world seemed to crash around me. I started working in a bar, a horrible place for me, but I felt I was strong enough at the time to handle it. Drinking didn't seem to be a problem anymore so this should be fine. Lots of money to be made and I can go back to school while I work here. 2 years from now i'll have my dream life. 

I didn't last long. I hated it and would cry and cry every day before I went into work. I was tired. I felt I had moved backwards and that wasn't my intended place. I knew I didn't want to go back to school again and realized that I was just running out of fear to something challenging. Something to distract me. I have a tendency to complicate things to make my life harder when actually it can be very simply. So I started to again apply for training jobs. I was endlessly sending out my resume. It wasn't looking good. I started to shift my focus to possible Marketing. Another tactic to distract me from the feeling of failure. I had calls after calls for job interviews but I didn't feel right about anything. Likely because they were not even near what I'm passionate about. 

One day I saw that Nth Degree Fitness started following me on Instagram. I was surprised. I wondered mainly how they found me but then again, the internet is a weird thing. One day I felt compelled to send the Instagram page a message. I was searching like crazy for a job and having no luck.. what could it hurt? So I did. I sent a message essentially begging for a job. I even said, I will work front desk. I am just looking to be back in this industry. I got a message back asking me to send my resume. Long story short I was hired and began working upwards of 30 hours a week running classes and being completely involved as much as I was allowed in this company. I COMPLETELY ADORED IT. I know, it's work, but i'm telling you. This place made me feel alive. I felt I had FINALLY found my place. Thank you God. Thank you for giving me my dream life. I worked so hard to get here. It's been a times a living hell but as I have been told I was rewarded with a glorious life.

6 months later I received that email. No warning. No more job. Again.

This time I felt heart broken, again, but prepared. I put on my big girl pants, didn't shed a tear and started sending out my new and updated resume. I found a great response so I thought to myself, it's okay! I'll be okay! Phew. But the sadness was real. I still do not have the ideal situation as I can't get around easy to places. But I vowed to not let this effect me. I've been doing it for 13 months now and nothing has stopped me. Nothing will stop me.

A few days went by.

My family had planned to meet for my younger sisters birthday. I was super excited as I had not seen my family in 3 weeks. (I took a trip to Utah before losing my job, perfect timing right?)

When I arrived there was a box for me that said, BIG SISTER on it. I thought about how cute my little sister is and how she must have gotten me a pitty present for no longer having a job to go to monday morning.

It turns out it wasn't an "i'm sorry you lost your job" gift. The present that was in the box was a necklace. 

A cute little heart on a beautiful chain. 

 wasn't sure what it was for at this point and was confused.

I stared at the heart and wondered why my entire family was staring at me. I turned the heart over. Oh!  It says "Aunt!"

 Cool! Who's having a baby?!

(clearly still not understanding)

"I'm having a baby" my sister said. "I'm pregnant. You're going to be an aunt!"

I couldn't speak. I couldn't utter words. This was a combination of shock and excitement as well as heartbreak and jealousy.

Let me explain this portion further.

I was married at a young age. I wanted a baby. I was so ready to be a mother. I was not in the situation to have one and thankfully never did become pregnant. I was ready again at another point in another marriage. Again I was not given a child and thankfully so. Today I am almost 30 years old, single for almost 4 years and my body on a daily basis emotionally craves being pregnant. I am not trying to sound selfish, but I'm being honest. I have long since taken care of a beautiful child named Ayvee who for almost 3 years has given me my baby fix, but in all honesty, I believe I was born to be a mother.

Imagine being a little girl and you've wanted this toy. You've prayed and pleaded and written santa letter after letter explaining how good you've been and how much your heart desires this specific thing. Imagine doing that for some where around 7 years. Then one day, your sibling gets the toy. Your sibling gets the toy and they're so happy. They're dancing and cheering and throwing a little girl dance party at the excitement they feel of this exciting new thing. So you're happy. You're excited for them and also, you get to play with the toy now too because siblings share and so in part you kind of got what you wishes for. But not completely. It's not actually YOUR toy. You don't get to take it home, and wake up to it every morning, and sleep with it in bed if you want to. You don't get to keep the toy forever, it has to go back to your sibling when you're done playing with it. But again... Look how happy they are. So you smile, and you cheer too, and you laugh and pretend not to be heart broken and jealous. You hold it together until you're alone. Then you can sob and cry. You can cry out to god (and santa) and ask why? And beg for your toy to come soon. Please. Please come soon.

Does that help?

As the weeks since this news has gone on i've become so excited and that initial shock has left me. My heart is literally EXPLODING at the thought of this precious child that I get to love on for the rest of my freaking life.

I stopped writing the post above half way through, and to be honest, I don't remember what this was about. But, maybe publishing it will be useful.

Thank you guys for reading.