In May when the events of my life finally hit a boiling point, I was legally forced to go to an Alcholics Annynomous meeting. I had no idea where to start. I was 4 days sober and I knew that wouldn't last long. 4 days prior to this I decided to test myself by attempting to have one drink. That was May 15th 2015. I was going to prove everyone wrong. I didn't need help, rehab, AA.. whatever you were sellin' I wasn't buying. My friends had decided two weeks before, after an already shattering event involving my drinking that they were no longer going to participate in anything involving alcohol around me. The next two weeks were lonely ones. That day there was a "wine stroll" in Royal Oak. A couple of my friends had attended. They were all good and tipsy when I called them late in the afternoon and asked if I could come have dinner with them. Being that they were drunk (which was and is rare) I figured I would be able to convince them to let me have a drink in their presence. I was correct, and I ordered myself a Soft Parade. My favorite.
For those of you not from the Mitten Soft Parade is from a Michigan made beer. It's a cute pink labeled bottle with a cartoon drawing of a girl lounging in the sand. She looks so chill and I envied her. I loved this beer. It's a berry medley with 7.5% Alcohol By Volume. It's probably a symptom of my alcoholism that I took such time to even describe the bottle to you? Anyhow- I ordered one. Again, my friends were in a rare form and I knew I could take this opportunity to catch up. In the back of my mind, and my heart, I wanted nothing more than to just have that one drink. That one beer. Enjoy the delicious taste of it and be done. I lied to myself the entire time I drank it believing I would. One led to two, and three, and four. Four Soft Parades is a really large quantity to drink for anyone let alone a woman. Then came the fireball shots. My MOST favorite. I kind of had this game I would play. I would say I was going to have one drink, say I was going to come out for happy hour and eventually someone would order a round of fireball. Most of the time the round would be the only round. For me, that was like the gunshot at the beginning of a track meet. I knew that if I just kept my cool until someone ordered shots then I wasn't the one making that move. I wasn't the one with the drinking problem, they were.
And so it went.
The details of this evening end up being the ones that left me passed out in the front yard of my house. Being taken care of by a neighbor who helped me inside to my bedroom, called the paramedics and my family. It's still sickens me what I put myself through that evening. Not to mention what I put my family through the weeks before and that day. Seeing their child in this state.
I remember nothing. I remember none of the night accept my 1st shot at the bar still being with my friends. I woke up in a hospital, beaten, bloody, and completely broken. As I sobered up I remembered parts of what happened. I had somehow gotten home from the bar without my friends. I wasn't done drinking so I walked to the bar at the end of my street. Literally 5 houses down.
Inside that bar I met new "friends" who invited me to a party in Detroit. I went. I went with complete strangers in a car to the hood. Not to be rude, i'm serious. I remember nothing from that party other than someone stealing $200 from my wallet and getting upset. I remember telling the girl who lived at the house this happened and from there she began yelling at me and kicked everyone out. I noticed I left my phone inside and since I needed to get home I told her I needed my phone and it was on her counter. She wouldn't allow me back inside. At this point my drunken inflated ego took over and I began to scream obscenities at this stranger.
From there a brutal assault ensued. Her boyfriend held both my arms from behind me while she kicked, spit on, punched, ripped at my body until I was slammed against a fence, cut open, thrown down and kicked and punched some more. I remember someone they called "tiny" saying, "okay, that's enough, let her go."
I remember thinking, I'm going to die here. This is it. I was in the most broken down abandoned area. They would just throw my body in one of these burned down houses and this was the end for me. I also remember feelings completely numb as this couple laid into me with physical force. I felt nothing and even taunted them making fun of their ability to harm me. They were pathetic, and I made sure they knew that. I called them pussies, and told them I wasn't afraid of them as I laid there bleeding.
Eventually they stopped. I felt like someone ran over me with a train and the only thing I could think was, run. So I did. I ran down the street in this dangerous part of detroit (I still have no idea where) and thought I'll just hide. I ran down an abandoned street and hid on a porch of a burned down home . An older man pulled up and upon seeing me, told me to get in the car. I don't know why, but I trusted him. This man took me to my house where I made it two steps and fell in my front lawn. My neighbor found me, took me inside and called my family. I woke up in Beaumont hospital and said to my mom, I can't do this.
I have not taken a drink since, and never intend to again.
Inside that bar I met new "friends" who invited me to a party in Detroit. I went. I went with complete strangers in a car to the hood. Not to be rude, i'm serious. I remember nothing from that party other than someone stealing $200 from my wallet and getting upset. I remember telling the girl who lived at the house this happened and from there she began yelling at me and kicked everyone out. I noticed I left my phone inside and since I needed to get home I told her I needed my phone and it was on her counter. She wouldn't allow me back inside. At this point my drunken inflated ego took over and I began to scream obscenities at this stranger.
From there a brutal assault ensued. Her boyfriend held both my arms from behind me while she kicked, spit on, punched, ripped at my body until I was slammed against a fence, cut open, thrown down and kicked and punched some more. I remember someone they called "tiny" saying, "okay, that's enough, let her go."
I remember thinking, I'm going to die here. This is it. I was in the most broken down abandoned area. They would just throw my body in one of these burned down houses and this was the end for me. I also remember feelings completely numb as this couple laid into me with physical force. I felt nothing and even taunted them making fun of their ability to harm me. They were pathetic, and I made sure they knew that. I called them pussies, and told them I wasn't afraid of them as I laid there bleeding.
Eventually they stopped. I felt like someone ran over me with a train and the only thing I could think was, run. So I did. I ran down the street in this dangerous part of detroit (I still have no idea where) and thought I'll just hide. I ran down an abandoned street and hid on a porch of a burned down home . An older man pulled up and upon seeing me, told me to get in the car. I don't know why, but I trusted him. This man took me to my house where I made it two steps and fell in my front lawn. My neighbor found me, took me inside and called my family. I woke up in Beaumont hospital and said to my mom, I can't do this.
I have not taken a drink since, and never intend to again.
4 days later I found myself thinking about this whole suggestion I had been given to go to attend a meeting and start trying to get into recovery. My friend Chris had in recent years gotten sober after going to rehab and I had previously while drunk reached out to him asking if I was an alcoholic. He said it wasn't up to him to diagnose that but told me that maybe I should check out an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I was hammered, so naturally I brushed it off. This time, I didn't have a choice. I had to go. I called Chris again and told him what happened. I said I need to get serious about living a sober lifestyle or I'm going to die. How do I start?
"I'm proud of you. First thing you do is go to a meeting. Just walk in. Someone will shake your hand." he said.
I thought, no way. I am not just walking in solo to a meeting with a bunch of crazy ass drunks. Nope.
I told him my fear and he told me I shouldn't have any. If there was any place that I was safe, it was within that meeting.
I told him how sacred I was to stop drinking. It was my favorite thing in the world to do.
- It's my social life.
- It's my fun.
- It's how I travel and experience the world
He said I promise you one thing. You will identify with someone there and you will feel better. Also, once some time passes you'll look back on the life you lived and be in shock that you ever liked it. You won't want that life back. I promise.
I told him how sacred I was to stop drinking. It was my favorite thing in the world to do.
- It's my social life.
- It's my fun.
- It's how I travel and experience the world
He said I promise you one thing. You will identify with someone there and you will feel better. Also, once some time passes you'll look back on the life you lived and be in shock that you ever liked it. You won't want that life back. I promise.
I called the A.A. phone number I found online and asked them where there was a meeting to attend that evening, May 20th. The man on the phone picked up and said "well, are you an alcoholic?" I was shocked.
"I don't know? Isn't that what you're supposed to tell me?"
I was angry.
"I'm a mess... and I want to find out if I am. I need help."
He was sweet and went into detail of ALL the meetings surrounding me in metro detroit. He said I am welcome to pick any one that I would like. I picked a 5:30 meeting and the choice was made. I went that day to the church I now go to every Wednesday evening. I walked in shaking. Black eyes and all. I circled the church lobby for a couple minutes, went to the bathroom, cried. You know, everything I could think of to bail out and not attend. Finally I realized it had to be done. I was here, what was the worst that could happen.
"I don't know? Isn't that what you're supposed to tell me?"
I was angry.
"I'm a mess... and I want to find out if I am. I need help."
He was sweet and went into detail of ALL the meetings surrounding me in metro detroit. He said I am welcome to pick any one that I would like. I picked a 5:30 meeting and the choice was made. I went that day to the church I now go to every Wednesday evening. I walked in shaking. Black eyes and all. I circled the church lobby for a couple minutes, went to the bathroom, cried. You know, everything I could think of to bail out and not attend. Finally I realized it had to be done. I was here, what was the worst that could happen.
I walked in, and someone came up and shook my hand.
"Hi! I'm Katie, is this your first time here?"
(Remember... two black eyes.)
I said, "This is my first time ever to an A.A. meeting." as tears welled up in my eyes.
"Well, we're really glad you're here. You don't have to be nervous. You can sit here at this table, it's what we call a first step table. A lot of people will share and sit with you!"
I sat at the 1st step table and listened to everyone share their stories of what brought them to Alcoholics Anonymous. It was extremely overwhelming. Not only did I identify with every single one of the stories but I felt completely slain by the fact that these complete strangers were so open with their unfortunate lives. They were honest and open about the fact that they were, before this program, at a complete state of hopelessness. Their lives sounded like a nightmare. I thought to myself over and over how unbelievable these stories were. But there I was, with two black eyes just days after getting out of a hospital for events from drinking, just days after getting a second DUI.I was also unbelievable. I was a nightmare. My reality was so clouded that I didn't see I was just like them. The table then got to me. I was told that I didn't have to share but if I wanted to I was more than welcome.
I did what I never imagined I would want to do.
I broke down.
There was years- I mean YEARS of pain stored up inside this heart that was opened like a flood gate at that 1st step table on May 20th at Royal Oak Unity. I sobbed. I admitted to these complete strangers my deepest and darkest torturing emotions. The failure. The pain I felt from losing my 1st husband whom I adored to divorce over religious differences. Losing my second husband whom I worshiped even in a relationship smothered with domestic violence and emotional battering. Losing my grandmother and my best friend. Watching my Dad slowly ditereate from poor health choices. And at the time and most recent, trust another person with my heart for the first time since my divorce two years ago and being completely lied to, and used for a time filler.
For the first time I was letting it all out and I felt like someone removed the weight of a thousand cinder blocks off my chest. I was shocked at the calm, loving demeanor of these people. More so however, I was shocked that they didn't look at me like I was crazy. They more often than not nodded their heads as to agree with the feelings I was expressing. Like they had been there too.
I felt safe, and I knew I had found the place I needed to call home in order to save my life.
In There Is A Solution, in the "Big Book" it states,
"But the ex problem drinker who has found this solution, who is property armed with facts about himself can generally win the entire confidence of another alcoholic in a few hours."
That was my experience that day. I wasn't sure what It mean. I wasn't sure what to do now, but I knew I had a problem.
For the first time I was letting it all out and I felt like someone removed the weight of a thousand cinder blocks off my chest. I was shocked at the calm, loving demeanor of these people. More so however, I was shocked that they didn't look at me like I was crazy. They more often than not nodded their heads as to agree with the feelings I was expressing. Like they had been there too.
I felt safe, and I knew I had found the place I needed to call home in order to save my life.
In There Is A Solution, in the "Big Book" it states,
"But the ex problem drinker who has found this solution, who is property armed with facts about himself can generally win the entire confidence of another alcoholic in a few hours."
That was my experience that day. I wasn't sure what It mean. I wasn't sure what to do now, but I knew I had a problem.
It's 4 and some days months later and I now attend 6 of these meetings a week. I have a large group of fellowship. I have friends. I have family within those friends and people I trust with the deepest darkest secrets that I have. I have made friends from ALL different walks of life. No age matters, no circumstance. We all share the same struggle and we ALL understand.
I share this with you because if you're scared of A.A. you're not the first one and you most certainly wont be the last. But just as Chris told me, I will say the same to you. You have nothing to be afraid of. You're safe here. We would love to see you. Meet you and get to know you. We would love to walk beside you. You are safe here.
And- to the first person that came up to me at that meeting. She knows who she is. I love you from the bottom of my heart and I always will cherish the safety you helped me feel in the scariest moment of my entire life.
Praying for you guys.
Dani
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