A truthful admission that i'm terrified to publish.

I've never been a famous blogger. 

I don't have the intention to become one. 

I'm a horrible writer grammatically and therefor this "blog" thing has always been a way of me just getting out my feelings and being able to reference back to them. Most of the time i'm quite sure the readers have trouble keeping up with my manic thoughts. But I do often get complimented on my realism in my writing so I had a thought to give this another shot. If nothing else, this is another selfish attempt at healing in way that has always called to me. 

This blog is now called 

DRY AND ALIVE

I will go into more detail as I post but if you're unaware I am now 145 days sober (praise the lord). Something I never thought I would accomplish and did not think I needed. I am an alcoholic. That's a scary thing to write publicly. I haven't done so yet, but this morning I was a part of a discussion about openness with addiction and how it is lacking in the world. I very much agree. Addiction isn't a choice. It's not something I proudly battled through. It was torturous and crippling and it took unimaginable things happening to me to scare me enough to seek out help. Even then did so grudgingly, with a hidden agenda to learn a better way than this and eventually slip back out into the world. Celebratory fireball shots lined up waiting for me being that I am no longer a problem drinker and am now in control. BOOM! That was the plan. I would learn to drink correctly by talking to a bunch of alcoholics who had hit such points of rock bottom that it would scare me straight. It would somehow implant this new found ability to have just one. I would see the differences between myself and them, and have my answers. Go report back to my family and friends that they were wrong. I am fine. Those people are a damn mess.

Complete truth:
 I can't drink correctly.
Their stories made me leave the meeting wanting to drink more than ever.
I didn't see any differences, only matching feelings, situations and experiences.
I had nothing to report to my family and friends other than complete and utter shock.
I was an alcoholic.

I am physically incapable of drinking in a controlled manner. When I tell you this I want you to know just how serious I am.  I can not stop once I have had one. Often times I couldn't not start, but I had more control over starting than I had stopping.  I will go all night. I will attempt to out drink your husband and sure, i'll be passed out face down on a table IN a bar, but I'll do it. It wasn't an instant realization that this plan was not only not going to be effective but it was also completely sick. Mentally sick. I want you to know that this desire I have to drink doesn't come from an actual desire. Half the time I had no desire. I just found myself in the process. I would cry holding wine, wishing I could just go to bed. "I just want to go to sleep. I just want to stop this." was a thought I had almost every single night. I couldn't be alone without numbing myself to the literal emotional pain I felt as a human. I couldn't stop this sickening craving to consume alcohol of any kind. I was a slave.

This isn't a sob story. It's a real story. It's a place where I am going to come to write all the up's and down's I will experience in sobriety.  Such transparency is terrifying and risky.  My hope is someone will be helped by this.

Let's be clear on the fact that I am not cured. I am not healed. I am working. I am consulting with my God in all my daily tasks to make it through one day at a time. I am working a program of recovery but I am no leader of that program, nor will I ever be. I am a child of God who has been blessed with a plan. My higher power is in control. Surrendering to him (for me that is Jesus) asking him to lead me to his will for me and most of all listening will be what saves me. So far it's been both extremely easy and extremely difficult. I have not taken a drink. I have not thought about taking one. But I have thought about how anxious it makes me knowing that I can never take one. I've also thought about how do I deal with my pain now? My fear and my constant anxiety. Now what? I continue to receive reassurance that as long as I give it all to the God of my understanding I will understand. I continue to receive answers to my weeping prayers as I feel God love for me in a completely different way.

Many know that I have claimed for a long time to a woman of Christian faith. I was even baptized in the ocean by a close friend in 2013. An outward expression of my dedication to God after a long period of time spent in a religious sect I now longer believed in. I have for a long time believed that I had an intimate relationship with my God. I think in a sense that has always been my greatest desire. But it never quite felt whole. I still am learning to understand where and when the change took place but I can tell you that today I understand God's love for me in a way of such deepness that it stills my heart and gives me peace.

I will write a post on this relationship at another time (sorry to anyone who isn't religious) but the best way to describe this is written in Genesis.

"You are the God who sees me," for the said, "I have now seen the One who sees me."
-Genesis 16:13

For the first time in my life (and I really mean it this time) I feel alive. I see the God who sees me for all that I am, have been and will be, and he loves me. I am dry (sober) and alive. I am aware, checked in, and painfully honest.
I hope this little blog can be of help to someone. I hope that someone who is searching for recovery can feel comfortable reaching out for that help. It's the best decision you'll ever make. If you humble yourself enough to understand your way isn't working, you will be held and you can recover. 

Your God is on your side.
and until you understand that completely, just remember this.

"Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."

- John 13:7