This post will have have a named individuals however the name is made up.
S P O N S O R < E V E R Y T H I N G
I'm sure you're confused.
Dani, why would you ever discourage anyone from getting a sponsor?
Well babes, i'm not discoursing sponsorship.
What I am expressing is the way I felt in the beginning of sobriety.
I didn't want a sponsor.
In the first 30ish days I didn't even want to stay sober after probation was over.
I thought I had this plan as I referenced to in my first post.
I didn't understand why everyone was urging me to get a "sponsor." Actually, I think hounding is a better word to describe what I felt at meetings in terms of sponsorship in my first 90 days. It irritated me that everyone wouldn't just leave me alone about it and let me progress in my sobriety.
I will say before I go on: I have completed the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, WITH A SPONSOR, and now understand the urgency and the vitality of this portion of the program. However in the beginning I was clueless as most people are, who are either forced into AA meetings and or decide to come on their own.
I was showing up. I wasn't drinking. I was blowing into a machine 3 times a day to be monitored. I was attending 5 of these damn meetings a week as "advised" by my lawyer. How is that not enough? What more do you people want from me??
EVERYONE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.
Sound familiar?
If not, you're awesome, and I would love to hear your experience.
If this sounds anything like you currently, previously, whatever the case.. I've been there. The amount of resentment I felt for people at meetings was almost comical. I looked at everyone like people who were weak and NEEDED someone else to guide them.
That wasn't me.
I had left home when I was 20 years old and moved across the country by myself. I had somehow found a way to make it work on penny's and made a life for myself out of nothing. I had been through and survived two broken marriages, a broken engagement, an abusive husband, a religious cult, supported a spouse through a 375 day army deployment, 6 moves, 3 of those completely alone, 2 DUI's and a brutal beating and most devastating of all the loss of my best friend in the entire world, my Grandmother.
Not in that exact order, but that's just a cocktail (bahaha, no pun intended) of events that occurred before I found myself at an AA meeting with my feet under a first step table.
I was the STRONGEST WOMAN I knew. I didn't need God, I didn't need you, I sure as hell didn't need a sponsor to do this. I got it.. thanks, but no thanks.
That is where my heart stayed for well into my first 90 days.
When I was around 60 days sober however, a good friend of mine asked me after the meeting if I had gotten a sponsor yet. I told him no, and I was good.
His next actions saved my life.
"That's cool. But, we've got to get you a sponsor. Hey Molly, you want to sponsor Dani?"
I stood there shocked, and honestly, kind of mad but at this point I thought, whatever.. i'll play along.
"Sure!" she said.
"Here is my number, give me a call tomorrow."
I said, fake as could be, Ok! I thought it was weird that SHE wanted ME to make the call as opposed to her calling and checking up on me. I started at my friend irritated, Thanked Molly, then left.
Needless to say, I didn't call Molly the next day. Or the next day, or the next. I saw her every Sunday at my Young Peoples meeting for about a month and a half, said hi and then went on my merry way. I even saw her once when I was on a date at coffee shop she was working at. I liked her. She was cute, younger than me but she seemed sweet. I often thought to myself, how can this 22 year old help me. I was that strong independent woman in mentioned above. This girl was a child. Also, I assumed she didn't like me. She never called or text me. She would ask me when I saw her at meetings how I was doing. I would tell her I was fine. Once I said, "Text me if you ever want to get coffee!" She replied by saying, "how about YOU call ME." I thought, why won't this chick hang out with me? Why does she always want me to do the work? (cute, right?) Why would I want someone like this to be my sponsor, she doesn't even want to be my friend!
It wasn't until later that I realized I needed to show willingness. She wasn't my friend. At this point that wasn't her purpose, she was't supposed to be. But again, I'm newly sober and clueless.
I'm also still living in a state of extreme resentment and self will.
As I said, months continued to go by. I told my friends I was sorry for my actions. I prayed. I came to meetings. I worked the 12 steps. On my own. Out of order. I suddenly found myself thinking I had completed them all! Cool! I can now share my experience, strength and hope with others. I wish I could express to you how badly I want to just hug 3 months sober me.
But again, I was clueless. Clueless and arrogant.
At this point around the middle of August tragedy struck my life for the first time since I had stopped drinking. My Dad suffered a heart attack while in Northern Michigan at my friends wedding. On the way home, I called my family to tell them my schedule. I was going to go to my meeting (where I had now made friends, not with Molly.. but I had friends) My mom told me that I had better come up to the hospital, that my Dad had been admitted. I was terrified. Suddenly my entire world didn't seem safe anymore as it had for the last 90 or so days. I had no idea how to handle a situation of fear, of heartbreak. I had no idea how I was going to not drink over this, but I knew I wouldn't. I had worked the steps (I hadn't worked the steps) and I was an example to other alcoholics of what sobriety looks like now! Keep it together. You got this.
I went to the hospital but was so overwhelmed that I decided to leave and go to my meeting in stead. I told my family that this was more important, so I can stay sober.
I showed up and by the grace of God, I sat outside in a big group on the steps of church. Molly was there. I was thankful. That hard time I was waiting for when I would NEED her was here. We were talking about the 4th step (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves) and when the table came to me I burst into years and said,
"I don't want to talk about this. I want to talk about whats going on in my life, because I don't know what else to do and I feel like I'm going to lose it."
I explained that my Dad has just suffered a heart attack and that the only place I wanted to be was here at this meeting. I explained how I had a sponsor, I also explained how I had worked all the steps on my own without her and explained HOW I had done so and how strong I was in the program, but this moment I felt weak and I was scared.
After my share, we moved onto the next person and the table went on.
Once we wrapped up, Molly came up to me and said the words that changed everything.
"Hey, i'm sorry for what's happening to your family. But heres the deal, either we start working the steps, and start working from the book or you can find someone else to sponsor you."
We met a week later. We started reading.
And we began at STEP 1.
I had never worked the steps. I had not overcome anything. I had not understood the purpose of sponsorship. I thought Molly was supposed to be my new best friend. I didn't understand that her purpose was to encourage me, support me, and guide me through the 12 STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS which I now can say have saved my life. To come to know a power greater than myself and to turn my life and will over to the God of MY understanding. To continually pray and not ask for not my will, but Gods will. This is the key, and what has given me so much freedom and peace.
" We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning."
Sponsorship to me is now very important. I consider it one of the greatest blessings of my life. I consider Molly a sister. She is NOW one of my best friend in the world. I adore and cherish her. She's a woman who I know I can count on every single day. I know she will never judge me. I come to her with my fears, resentments and problems and know full well she is open to hearing them all. I know she will always be honest with me and will give me the best advise as to how to deal with them. I trust that if she isn't sure what I should do, she will tell me to ask God. She will tell me to pray and meditate, and or she will ask her sponsor, or her sponsors sponsor for advise. She's my rock next to my higher power. It doesn't matter that she's much younger than me. Hasn't been divorced. Hasn't moved away, and all the other reasons I came up with as to why she wasn't a good fit for me. God provided me with the PERFECT fit. My God knows me, and knows what I need. My job isn't to analyze the day to day path, it's to trust him. My job is to be of use. My job is to do as Molly did.
Get a sponsor. Don't be afraid. Don't worry, and fear, and doubt. Just do.
You have nothing to lose, and absolutely EVERYTHING to gain.
I am happy to help any WOMEN along the way.
Please understand I mean this and am here for you.
Praying for you guys,
Dani
As I said, months continued to go by. I told my friends I was sorry for my actions. I prayed. I came to meetings. I worked the 12 steps. On my own. Out of order. I suddenly found myself thinking I had completed them all! Cool! I can now share my experience, strength and hope with others. I wish I could express to you how badly I want to just hug 3 months sober me.
But again, I was clueless. Clueless and arrogant.
At this point around the middle of August tragedy struck my life for the first time since I had stopped drinking. My Dad suffered a heart attack while in Northern Michigan at my friends wedding. On the way home, I called my family to tell them my schedule. I was going to go to my meeting (where I had now made friends, not with Molly.. but I had friends) My mom told me that I had better come up to the hospital, that my Dad had been admitted. I was terrified. Suddenly my entire world didn't seem safe anymore as it had for the last 90 or so days. I had no idea how to handle a situation of fear, of heartbreak. I had no idea how I was going to not drink over this, but I knew I wouldn't. I had worked the steps (I hadn't worked the steps) and I was an example to other alcoholics of what sobriety looks like now! Keep it together. You got this.
I went to the hospital but was so overwhelmed that I decided to leave and go to my meeting in stead. I told my family that this was more important, so I can stay sober.
I showed up and by the grace of God, I sat outside in a big group on the steps of church. Molly was there. I was thankful. That hard time I was waiting for when I would NEED her was here. We were talking about the 4th step (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves) and when the table came to me I burst into years and said,
"I don't want to talk about this. I want to talk about whats going on in my life, because I don't know what else to do and I feel like I'm going to lose it."
I explained that my Dad has just suffered a heart attack and that the only place I wanted to be was here at this meeting. I explained how I had a sponsor, I also explained how I had worked all the steps on my own without her and explained HOW I had done so and how strong I was in the program, but this moment I felt weak and I was scared.
After my share, we moved onto the next person and the table went on.
Once we wrapped up, Molly came up to me and said the words that changed everything.
"Hey, i'm sorry for what's happening to your family. But heres the deal, either we start working the steps, and start working from the book or you can find someone else to sponsor you."
We met a week later. We started reading.
And we began at STEP 1.
I had never worked the steps. I had not overcome anything. I had not understood the purpose of sponsorship. I thought Molly was supposed to be my new best friend. I didn't understand that her purpose was to encourage me, support me, and guide me through the 12 STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS which I now can say have saved my life. To come to know a power greater than myself and to turn my life and will over to the God of MY understanding. To continually pray and not ask for not my will, but Gods will. This is the key, and what has given me so much freedom and peace.
" We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning."
Sponsorship to me is now very important. I consider it one of the greatest blessings of my life. I consider Molly a sister. She is NOW one of my best friend in the world. I adore and cherish her. She's a woman who I know I can count on every single day. I know she will never judge me. I come to her with my fears, resentments and problems and know full well she is open to hearing them all. I know she will always be honest with me and will give me the best advise as to how to deal with them. I trust that if she isn't sure what I should do, she will tell me to ask God. She will tell me to pray and meditate, and or she will ask her sponsor, or her sponsors sponsor for advise. She's my rock next to my higher power. It doesn't matter that she's much younger than me. Hasn't been divorced. Hasn't moved away, and all the other reasons I came up with as to why she wasn't a good fit for me. God provided me with the PERFECT fit. My God knows me, and knows what I need. My job isn't to analyze the day to day path, it's to trust him. My job is to be of use. My job is to do as Molly did.
Get a sponsor. Don't be afraid. Don't worry, and fear, and doubt. Just do.
You have nothing to lose, and absolutely EVERYTHING to gain.
I am happy to help any WOMEN along the way.
Please understand I mean this and am here for you.
Praying for you guys,
Dani
No comments:
Post a Comment