I think I'll have a drink. (written February 22nd 2016) [ Sobriety post ]

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I don't know where to start. I am struggling. 

I reached 9 months of sobriety last week.

9 Months.

It's a big deal right?

I remember when I got sober back in May thinking, wow, that person has not taken a drink in 9 months. That's insane.  How did they do that. I wonder what that will feel like. 

I never would have imagined that at this time in my sobriety I would be feeling the urge to drink for the first time as opposed to celebrating the successes in life I have achieved since I stopped drinking. 

The truth is, I don't care. 

Suddenly this amount of time means nothing to me.

This entire process doesn't seem like an accomplishment anymore and...

I want to drink.

I don't want to get drunk today. 

I don't have this desire to go home and crack open a bottle of wine and make endless phone calls as I used to. 

I don't have the desire to run away from my pain and my feelings. 

I just want to have a drink if I want to have a drink. 

I want to have the freedom to live normally. 

I'm sick of feeling like i'm labeled.

I feel like now my entire life revolves around this process, where I try to maintain this sobriety and I try not to fuck everything up.

I try not to be the horrifically selfish person I used to be.

I am so proud of this person that I have become. I love the Dani Dudek that I see every day when I wake up now. But the problem is, now I feel like I'm not just Dani.

I'm Dani,

the alcoholic.

Here's what I'm feeling.

I am not sure anymore.

I don't know if I believe that I'm an alcoholic.

I wonder now, did I have a drinking problem? 

Or did I have a life problem, which I didn't know how to handle, so I drank.

This isn't a post on where I'll turn this title into something inspiring in the end. It's the truth.

I'm not here to dissapoint anyone. I'm not here to hide either. 

For the last 3 weeks or so I've felt the struggle of hiding.
I've been hiding this feeling. Hiding these desires and these thoughts. I can't do it anymore.
I feel like i'm going insane.
It hurts to wake up. It hurts to go through the days thinking this is how I'll feel every day. If I have to spend the rest of my life being envious of everyone around me for the ability they have to drink like a normal person, I don't want to do it.
I don't want to be an alcoholic.
I want old Dani's fun lifestyle with new Dani's heart and mind.
I want to be good at this.
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