Be who you needed when you were younger.

When I was 9 years old my family moved about 25 minutes north of the town I grew up in. I was pretty sure my life was over. My tender 4th grade heart was shattered. I never had a problem with talking to strangers or entering a room of them.  If anyone knows anything about me it's that I can and have always have been able to talk to anything with a pulse. However this was scary for me. I was out of my comfort zone, one that barely existed to begin with. To be honest, I didn't have many friends in school growing up. I had the girls that lived on my street and the girls I did gymnastics with. I spent a great portion of my week inside of a gym, so my tomboy attitude became a defense mechanism I used to protect myself. 

Being a little girl who has muscles and likes to play sports when most young girls like to wear dresses and bows in their hair was hard. I can trace drastic behavior in an attempt to "become myself" back to my youth in such a clear way. Like insisting my mother chop off my gorgeous white blond hair into a bowl cut, wearing overalls out of the house with no shirt on and climbing trees and purposely scraping my knees and elbows up to be bloody so I looked "tough." In my head, if i was scary, nobody would fuck with me. 

 I was bullied a lot and often spent times hiding in school bathrooms crying because my heart actually hurt as a child thinking

 "nobody likes me."

I remember when I was little I was put in a circle of boys on the playground who pushed from one kids hands to the other. They tossed me around like a rag pushing my shoulders back and forth and calling me "Dan the man." Making fun of me for being adopted and saying nobody loved me. I will go into another blog post about how this deeply rooted inside of me to have a complete co- dependency on men later in life and the NEED to be "loved" but today, i'm going to talk about something different. 

When we moved my parents did everything they could to help my sister and I adjust. They even let us finish out the school year in our old neighborhood, driving us back and forth every day for the rest of the year after she and I had so much fear to start somewhere new. Okay, maybe just me. Who knows anymore. The point is they are incredible parents and we were incredibly loved. However life outside of your parents loving arms can be a scary world for a child. 

When I started school at Musson Elementary I remember walking in and feeling like I was going to throw up. I didn't look anything like these girls. These kids all knew each other. They had been to fun birthday parties over the weekend and I was playing crazy 8's with my grandma and rolling down a hill collecting flowers. I didn't know how to connect. For the first time in my little life, I didn't know what to say.

After a few weeks I started to get a lay of the land. I had a nice teacher and I had made a friend or two. One of which, is still one of my best friends today.

There was something different about this school. There was a "popular" group and I wasn't in it. No shocker there. The girl with the JTT haircut and the overcompensation problem to fit in wasn't adored by her classmates? Poor baby. 

I remember when I met the most popular girl. Her name was Jill. She was adorable. She's still adorable. I remember seeing Jill and thinking, I need to be just like her. I need to become Jill and I will be popular. She had pretty brown hair, tan skin and brown eyes. She had so many friends! Her body didn't look like mine. Her shoes were really cool and her Limited too wardrobe was so extensive I remember telling my mom that we were "poor" because Jill never wore the same thing to school. Why couldn't I have more clothes like Jill. Why did God make me Danielle. I wanted to be someone else. I wanted different parents who could buy me all the clothes I wanted.  I wanted different hair and different eyes and different friends. I wanted to start over already. At 9 years old I hated being Danielle Dudek.

As we went to middle school, Jill continued to be the IT girl and I continued to try my damnedest to be as cool as humanely possible. I joined the cheerleading team. I stopped having as much interest in gymnastics because, well.. Jill didn't do gymnastics. And neither did Amy Jones. And neither did Sarah Jennings. Or Nicole Washington. They did cool things. Teenage things. Gymnastics was for babies and cheerleading was "sexy" and was going to bring me the "fame" I desired.

(On a side note: I made almost every single one of my life long friendships as a result of joining the cheerleading team at Van Hoosen Middle School.  So this ins't all sad in the end, just stay with me.)

For my 12th birthday I was FINALLY allowed to have a sleep over party. YAAAAS! This was IT! I was finally going to become the coolest girl in Rochester Hills, Michigan. I had good friends at this point, those girls that I mentioned that still put up with me today and a handful of others. However, I did not invite them to my Birthday party. Do you know who I invited? You guessed it. The "popular" girls. Jill and crew. Let's call it that.

I remember my Mom asking me several times why non of my friends she saw all the time on the party list? I told her lie after lie about them being busy, or that we just were not as close of friends anymore. These were my new friends. Being the amazing mother that she is, she saw the sparkle in my eyes as I daydreamed about my debut as the IT girl and organized a fun, adventurous birthday party. We went to the movies, and to Dave and Buster's to play games! I was having the time of my life. Everyone else was too and this solidified that I was in. All was well until the evening. 

Later when it was time to go to bed and no parents were around, I was forced to sleep in my bathtub without a blanket while the "popular" girls slept in the comfort of my bed. I was made fun of and teased in my own house, at my own party. I remember thinking, I don't think I like these girls very much. I don't think I want to be friends with them. I miss MY friends.

I returned to school the next day and never questioned the friendships I had made again. It's been almost 20 years with those amazing girls, and just so we're clear, they've saved my life. I am brought to tears typing that, because they've stood by my side through all the things you're about to read, and never questioned me. Just loved and supported me.

Fast-forward to high school.

Now, I had that solid group and they were the best. We had been doing life and together for a few years now and were about to enter into a completely new adventure. I was nervous again. By this time I had completely quit club gymnastics. I was a cheerleader. While I had found my solid group of friends I never gave up chasing the cool girl dream. I was bound and determined to become her, but at this time my arrogance of being 14 had given me the idea of re-defining her. I was approached at cheerleading try outs by a terrifyingly beautiful couple of older girls. One tall and dark haired, one blonde athletically built, like me. The tall girl said, "you're a gymnast right?" "No, I said. I quit gymnastics. I am doing cheerleading all seasons now."

"No, you're not." she said.

We have a good gymnastics team here, and you're joining it.

I stood there thinking.. uhh.. what? But of course I was paralyzed by fear as arrogance completely disappeared and said, "okay."

Again, on a side note: I had the most incredible experiences being a part of the Adams High School gymnastics team. I was a "star player" and was surrounded by solid girls, even more solid coaches and was taught about goal from this environment.  Coincidentally, this brings me to the new chase of becoming someone else.

That blonde girl I spoke of? Her name was Sheila. She was the most beautiful girl in the entire school. She was a Junior, I was a freshman. Being a part of this team and being a Varsity athlete as a Freshman had already brought me quite a good bit of popularity and as you can imagine I was figuratively foaming at the mouth with excitement. The older guys knew my name and had even given me a nick name.  People invited me to their parties. I could get drunk every weekend with little to no effort. Please? What more could a girl ask for?! 

Oh, I know.. to become Sheila. 

I bought the same clothes she had. I developed a crush on one of her best guy friends. I bleached my hair. I did it all. We did in a sense look similar so when people told us we looked like sisters I literally almost passed away in my own body. The idea of being anything like her was the single greatest compliment anyone could have ever given me.

Eventually everyone graduated. It was me and my awesome girlfriends. Somewhere along this road of self discovery I developed this obsession with California. Why? Because it wasn't here. It wasn't michigan and I have since childhood been obsessively living in a dream land. I was again bound and determined to become something else. To run away. 

At 19 I started the next chapter and did just that. But not to California, In stead I became a member of the mormon religion and moved to Utah to find me a husband!!!!! California girl had become Mormon girl and Danielle Dudek still didn't exist. I left my friends, my family, my life. And chased a new dream. 

I'm now 21 years old and I start dating this strapping brown eyed boy named Tanner. I was in love from day one. I couldn't wait to become this boys wife. But this boy was still in love with someone from his past. She was gorgeous. Was was teeny tiny, brown hair, brown eyes, loved music, snowboarding, the works. She was pretty much the complete opposite of me in every single way and the coolest girl I had ever met. She was also happily married at this point, but he had not moved on. 

I loved Tanner but Tanner was still in love with Dani (not me, the other Dani. You guys probably know her. She's another of my best friends today and her and her beautiful daughter Afton are all over my Instagram.)

SO 

Tanner loves the other Dani.

I don't love myself...

Because Tanner doesn't love me... and let's be honest.. I never have.. 

So.. I MUST BECOME DANI THEN TANNER WILL LOVE ME and all my dreams will finally come true.

It was like a lightbulb exploded into brightness into my head. Again the chase of becoming someone else was going to bring me all the things I wanted in life. Marriage, a baby, a cool life with the cool boy. 

I changed again. I was a chameleon and was damn good at it.

I could become whoever I needed to be to be liked and loved and admired and adored. By this point in my life I do have a confidence about me so my personality is pretty solid and true to who I am, but the rest of it.. my interests, looks, dreams. All of that was a constant state of metamorphosis. I did end up falling in love with many things that i'm passionate about today in this evolutionary period and found many of my hobbies this way (blessing)

At this point I also developed the crazy disfunction of becoming friends with people I was jealous of. This way I could take control of the situation. I could observe them and become even more like them, but then I was their friends so there was no jealousy.

I became as close to Dani and I could be, then reached out to her on Facebook and asked her to be my friend. Which, looking back, is extremely awkward. She knew I didn't like her. She knew my then Husband had for a long time, while we were dating, had a secret crush on her and that their friendship made me crazy.  But here I was asking her to lunch. What the actual fuck. 

Long story short she said no and told me it was weird. Some time passed and by accident we ran into her and her husband at a concert for a band that her and Tanner once loved. That of course was my FAVORITE band now.. because it was theirs. You see what i'm saying? Dani and I hit it off and today she's someone I consider a sister.

Then there was Sierra. My 2nd husbands x girlfriend. Whom I did the exact same thing with. Same process step by step by step and today... Sierra and I are besties for the resty.

So, okay. What's the point?

The point is, today Danielle Dudek is madly in love with Danielle Dudek and wants to be completely herself. Lives her dreams. Wears whatever she wants. Rocks her hair in whatever style she desires and doesn't give a shit what anyone else thinks of her. 

How?

That's a good question and can't answer it.

I can say that eventually through two marriages, one broken engagement, two divorces, multiple moves cross country, two arrests for drunk driving, one week in jail and now almost 1 year of being involved in a program of sobriety...

 that I finally found her. 

That IT girl I was looking for my entire life was me. 

It was me all along but I didn't see her and had someone told me at 9 years old of course I wouldn't have believed them. But man do I wish I could go back and talk to that scared, beautiful little girl.

I wish someone would have said to me, baby girl one day you will see how beautiful you are. One day all of this will mean nothing. One day you will by the grace of a loving GOD, survive insurmountable struggle and you will stand back up and keep moving forward. One day you will be your own hero. One day you will be proud of your flaws. One day you will be WHOLE without a man. You will know your importance and you will strengthen other women with your experience. One day you will be the woman you were created to become.

 One day.

So be that. 

Be who you needed when you were younger.

Hold your daughters close and tell them they are powerful, beautiful and strong. Tell you girlfriends that you're proud of them. We never grow out of needing encouragement. Let us set out to raise a generation of women who never question their worth and their ability to change this scary world. Ones who will eventually stand with courage on their face and fire in their hearts because they know who they are.

Let's be who we all needed.