Cake balls, chain smoking and lifting weights. Don't leave before the miracle.

Did you know that most addicts have several addictions?

Did you know that almost everyone had addictions in general?

 Did you know that blacking out can happen with something like food? 

Something meant to nourish your body can become something extremely destructive. 

Did you guys know that I was anorexic for many years, and after recovering from that became a binge eater? 

Did you know that I got into macro counting to learn how to eat correctly because if left on my own I will EASILY polish off 25 desserts?

 Did you know that yesterday, I gave up, and did just that?

 Well... now you know.

I call it addiction replacement. 

I'm sure that's probably an actual medical term but I'm going to take it so I seem smart. Addiction replacement is super real and I can almost promise you that if you ask people going through something tragic or addictive how they cope they will list off something they do in great excess. 

In May when I got sober I was 3 weeks away from my first show. I had been hitting the gym every single day obviously, but I was also drinking a bottle of wine several nights a week afterward as a reward. When the events occurred that landed me at an AA meeting and I wasn't able to go home to my favorite purple drink I decided I needed something else to do. So, I stayed at the gym longer. I became more invested than ever. I found Royal Oak gym shortly after and I still credit bodybuilding for saving my life and keeping me sober in that first at least 60 days.

I also started smoking. Yep. I will finally admit it. I smoked when I was drinking all the time but the taste of it when I wasn't made me sick. When I got sober I felt so incredibly anxious all the time that smoking just kind of started to happen. I would find myself walking around holding coffee as I used to hold wine, chain smoking, calling people to chat. There wasn't a time that I had a cigarette without a cup of coffee in my hand. It was just a comfort feeling. That's no longer the case but nonetheless

Same actions, no booze. Addiction replacement. 

Yesterday I fell right off the wagon. No, I didn't drink. But I said to hell with it and ate whatever I wanted. Most people think that's deserved. I've been working so hard! Have a cheat day. Well friends, that isn't how this works. ALSO normal folks would help themselves to a cookie and maybe some pasta salad or chips and dip. Not me. 

I am a binge eater. 

So what did Dani do? I had 6 cookies as I did community service, because well.. they were there and I was having a hard day.
 I got home and had a bowl of cereal and some chips and salsa.
I went to my AA meetings anniversary potluck and I can't even tell you what I ate there.
I could tell you but i'm truly mortified. Just know that my friends sat and stared because it must have been about as crazy as seeing a unicorn. It's very well known that I'm the trainer and bodybuilder. No one ever offers me treats because they know I wont take them. I'm usually SO on point. But yesterday I ate an entire plate, stacked high, then went and got more. More of that was sweets than I even care to admit. Honest to God I probably consumed over 2000 calories alone in that church basement.
How many cake balls can Dani eat? 

It is absolutely crazy.

Want to know what else is crazy?

 I felt a rush.
I felt like I was drinking again  And ended up with the similar feeling of shame and regret I used to feel when I woke up after a blackout. Which was every time I started a night out with the best intentions of having a few drinks with friends.

So I came home and cried.

I felt like a slob. I felt like a complete failure and like a fat piece of garbage.

I went to the gym in the morning and didn't even want to lift.
I walked around slowly going through the motions like a zombie. I was so depressed. I ran into my coach and had an honest conversation with him about it and held back the tears and i felt completely inadequate.

"God Dani, you're the worst bikini competitor ever." Is what I expected to hear because that is what I told myself over and over and over the entire time I worked out. Ripping apart my beautiful, wonderfully made body with harmful thoughts and criticisms silently inside my head. Pushing in physically on my stomach as I used to do when I suffered from anorexia. Shaking my head as tears ran down my face at the utter failure I had become over night.

In the beginning of my sobriety I replaced my addiction to alcohol with fitness. Then with smoking. Then with working and the obsession of financial security. Then I felt completely isolated, obsessive compulsive and alone. Relentlessly trying to figure out who the hell I was now. What is this life? How do I live it?? I eventually found balance but I still struggle. I use fitness as a means of happiness and a way to release stress and anxiety. When fitness alone doesn't do the trick, I compete. I prep. When Prep doesn't give me enough fulfillment because I feel i'm not progressing I start attacking my personal progression and cut myself down becasue I'm not a successful single woman with a perfect house and an expensive car. OR throw myself into helping other woman, which is honorable and comes out of the goodness of my heart and the deepest sense of genuine desire to love others, but it still leaves me not loving myself. Right?? Right. 

Beware of destination addiction. Beware of addiction replacement. 

Beware.

Also...

Be aware.

Be aware of your actions. 

Be aware of your life.

Be aware of your struggles.

 Be aware of your strengths.

Be aware of your purpose.

Don't replace drinking with smoking.

Don't replace starving with binge eating.

Don't replace loss of control with exercise obsession.

Don't replace heart break with another man that fills you.

Don't replace. Just be.

I tell myself this every single morning.

Be still and know that God is with you. Whatever and whoever your God is. 

I know MY god is with me and has a far better plan for my life than I could ever possibly orchestrate. But even still it's hard to let go of control. I'm trying. Want to try with me? Okay. Here we go..

Dear pretty girls,

Don't replace. 

J U S T    B E