So, how are you doing with "all of that?"

So Dani- how are you doing with "all of that?"

All of that.

That ending part, it's a doosey.

I have this question asked to me all the time and honestly it's the hardest answer to give to people.

When someone asks me that what exactly do they mean?

Are they asking me about not having a license for the last 7 months?

Are you talking about dealing with the consequences of being arrested for drinking and driving twice in less than two years? And how the current Danielle Dudek would never get behind the wheel of a car after having a drink, but Dani Dudek 10 months ago didn't care to be alive anymore, so what did it matter?

Are you talking about the fact that suddenly I no longer cope with pain and anxiety the way I used to and have had to completely change the way I go about my day to day life?

Are you talking about the urge to drink being gone but the desire to drink and feel normal being absolutely overwhelming?

Does that part even make sense to someone who isn't an alcoholic? 

See what I mean

How do I answer that.

All of that, is my life. 

Handling my life now, is hard. 

I feel like I was sent to jump inside of a body of a girl who just under a year ago was a complete train wreck; and I'm here to clean up the pieces of her life. Put her back together, and try and glue her together so she can live successfully. It feels like i'm someone else. I don't even understand how I lived that way let alone how I didn't care about what today would be. But that was the reality.

I sit here in tears as I write this because I want you to know how heartbreaking it is to deal with yourself at times after your addiction has completely torn through your life like a tornado.

It's true that we do not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. But it's at times overwhelmingly painful to look back at what you've done and try to imagine how you'll ever make it okay.

On May 16th, 2015 when I stopped drinking I had no idea the transformation that would happen to my life. I imagined that probably some good things would happen, but truthfully I was so stuck in what had just ruined me that I wasn't really able to see much brightness. I was a mess. I had this desire to go in a direction in life but because of my lack of confidence and ability to get through days without making myself go numb I couldn't follow through on anything. I was a big talker. Everything that came out of my mouth sounded so beautiful in theory, but would never be executed. It's actually quite tragic to look back on and to think that theres millions of people just like me 10 months ago, who never get the help they need. 

Suddenly within sobriety I started to gain confidence and clarity. These things I dreamed about became something I thought I would actually do. Then before I knew it, I was doing them. 

My life seemed to fall into place without even trying. I was told that "life happens" within sobriety but to be honest, I didn't feel that. I felt like I was just floating around on this magic carpet that was taking me on a tour of all the amazing things I had always wanted and I now could ACTUALLY DO! That ended around Christmas time. 

I had gotten a full time personal training position at a gym near enough to my house that I was able to ride my bike the 9 miles each way in the warmer months, then Uber and or take the bus once it got cold. I loved it. I was finally living my dream of being a trainer. That may seem like a small task to everyone, but to me this was a big deal. In December however I came to work bright and early at 6am to find out that my boss was "letting me go." With no notice and two week before Christmas, he was telling me I no longer had a job. The kicker was, there was a trainer I had worked side by side with for the last few months having no idea that he was actually my replacement as they faded me out slowly. 

So there I was, walking home at 7am, sobbing thinking, what now.

I went home and cried it out for a good 6 hours. I had no income, no savings and I had left the job I loved to come to this one.

I decided that day that I was going to go back to school for Physical Therapy Assisting so I could have more stability. So okay! Here is the next part of the plan. And I started from there. Since December it's been "getting by" until I can start this new part of my dream. I got a job serving at busy restaurant, which hardly provides for me, but I'm trying.

Recently I began to feel stagnant, and for me that's a dangerous thing. I tend to need to mix things up when I feel stuck. If I feel like i'm not progressing I become so hard on myself and I throw myself into something that takes work and commitment. Something that will challenge me and make me feel useful and accomplished.

In February I decided I was going to prep for another  NPC bikini show.

Two weeks ago I decided I was going to apply for PT Tech jobs so I can work full time while I go to school and have on the job training before I finish to be better versed in my career. 

It all started to feel good. I started my prep and my results with my coach Derek Charlebois with PR Breaker have been unreal. I can't drive so I uber back and forth from the gym, to work, grocery shopping. Everything I do. I have to ask for help far more than i'm comfortable with, but It's taught me to be humble.

 I applied for several PT tech jobs and was called immediately for the one I wanted the most! I went to the interview, and was given the job ON THE SPOT.  I felt like I was dreaming. How can life be this good again. How can this be?

I told the Doctor that I had been arrested for drunk driving and that upon running my background check that would show, but I was happy to show character references and anything else I need to show that I am not a risk to hire as an employee. I also said I do understand if this is something the company can not handle. He assured me that I was exactly the type of employee they were looking for and so that shouldn't be a problem. I went on my way, arranged my work schedule to suit this new job and started to map the hour bus ride to work. 

"Keep it together, Dani. You're really doing it."

I say to myself almost every day.

And now the reason for this long sob story blog post.

This morning I was called by the doctor that hired me and told that he will not be able to offer me the position after all. After talking with several people in both legal and non circumstances, hiring an employee in the medial field with a misdemeanor is not acceptable and he was very sorry. I actually cried on the phone. How embarrassing. 

But here's what I thought:

What have I done to my life.

10 months ago I couldn't see a future. I just kind of .... existed.

I drove drunk, I made horrible choices, I lived in a manor that this world was mine alone and whatever I did in it was my damn business. I didn't have the desire to go back to school, get a lasting job, one that I could be proud of. I had nothing inside of me but sadness. No passions, no ability to look past today.

I sat on the couch this morning again, sobbing, thinking what now.

I'm not disappointed that the job fell through, there are hundreds of jobs and i am sure I could land another interview. My intentions are true and my heart is in this field and with helping others. I sat there crying becasue my actions in a time where I had no hope will for a long tim effect my life in a very negative way. That's what I mean about picking up that girls pieces. I can't imagine if this was a job. 

People picker uppers.

If this was a job that you could apply and be hired for I wouldn't wish it upon someone.

Picking up the pieces of a broken life and trying to live in a successful manor is heartbreaking. It's sickening and it's difficult. To know that you are capable of SO MUCH yet be looked at as a series of mistakes is so frustrating. Nobody knows me. These people I present myself to don't know Danielle and what's taken place in her heart. They don't know that I am a person who desires good and wants to help people and grow to become an integral part of a team who changes lives. 

All they see is:

Danielle Marie Dudek. 

2 misdemeanor counts of drunk driving in 2014 and 2015.

And that's enough.

That's all someone has to see about me on paper to make a judgement call.

That's all a judge has to see to deny giving me a drivers license back.

That's all my school has to see to deny letting me into the PTA program.

That's all.

So all of that drags behind me and it's exhausting. I deserve the consequences for my actions. I made horrific choices and I couldn't have seriously hurt someone and my self. It's a miracle I didn't. But this is now what I have to deal with. 

I'm the people picker upper, and I hate this job. 

One thing I can't do anymore is go numb. I have to deal with this. I have to cry over it. I have to plot and re plan. I have to move forward and try and see the positive. I can't run anymore.

I guess there's really no way to bring this all back to something inspirational, it's more just a post to say that if you've been there, I could use the encouragement. And if you're here now, know that you're not alone.

xoxo,

Dani.