Dear 22 year old me.

Recently, someone I love very much experienced her first heartbreak. I guess not exactly her first, but in reality in terms of something she's invested substantial time, effort and amounts of herself into, this is the first time her future has drastically shifted. As I held this beautifully stunning 22 year old in my arms and listened to her cry I was brought to tears. I remembered the emotions she was feeling as clear as day. I remembered the pain and the feeling of absolute emptiness that comes with the loss of your first real love.

I remember the choices I had to make at this age that I didn't want to make and the way it felt when I was so lost and so confused. I remember feeling so deeply and madly in love with someone that it made my heart soar, yet the things we wanted with our lives unfortunately were completely different. Thus forcing me to come to realization I hoped I would  never come to. I remember my location. I remember the music I had playing in my car. I remember the words my friends spoke to me from over 1000 miles away in an attempt to encourage me. I remember it all.

It no longer hurts me the way it did then. That boy that I loved with every single fiber of my 22 year old being is now a man, with a beautiful wife and a baby on the way. But at that time, I was his wife. I was a little girl in a grown up situation before my dreams had actually come to pass. Before I understood what I wanted and who I planned to become. I was a person who always desired to be loved, and took seriously the role of wife, and hopefully soon, mother. I was googly eyed for this 23 year old, 6'3'', brown eyed, brown haired goof ball- who played guitar and snowboarded but also loved harry potter and magic the gathering. He didn't want to rush into marriage like me. Why? Because we were 22 and 23 years old. He didn't want to have babies yet. He and I believed in the same religion to start, but as I grew and came to understand myself more, that changed. I changed my mind, and I made that clear.  That was the start of us realizing the most terrifying facts. I was extroverted to a point of almost annoyance. He was extremely introverted. I wanted to rock climb and party hop on the weekends. He wanted to stay in and watch movies. I wanted to travel the world with our money and he believed in saving. I wanted to move back to Michigan to raise my children. He never wanted to leave Utah. I wanted this, he wanted that. I believed in this, he believed in that. I conducted myself in this way, he conducted himself in another. He adored me and praised me daily in a way that made me feel valued and important. But at the same time, we argued and I didn't believe he loved me because he wouldn't DO these essential things to my happiness. He wouldn't DO them because they were not essential to his. They were not his desires. They were not things that brought him joy, or made him tick. We were very in love but I  soon came to understand that love doesn't make marriage last. It's not enough. Love doesn't conquer all.

I'm not here to say that differences are a negative. That isn't true at all. Differences are at times the key to success in a good relationship because balance is so important. But compatibility is a real thing, and compatibility is what makes relationships long lasting and functional. A couples personal desires for themselves and their futures have to be compatible. I didn't understand that at 22. Hell I didn't even understand it at 25, or 26, or 27.

During the time that I loved this boy(before I became his wife), I also loved another. This man was a better fit. His idea of life, the way he lived it, the things he wanted for his future fit me better. We believed the same thing. What made me tick, made him smile. My passions coincided with his.  I fell madly in love yet again. This time I noticed things about me matching better with this person. Things seemed to flow. It was what I had imagined a relationship would be. After a few short months this handsome man proposed to me and I accepted. I was over the moon. But shortly after, fear crept in. I had not moved on from my previous love. I had taken no time to get to know myself therefor, how could I trust myself. When tough times arose and this person took any form of distance that wasn't pouring love over me I went into a panic. I ran. Because of that I ended the engagement and returned to what felt safe for me. Knowing full well our vast differences, I assumed these things could change with time. Both of these men were incredibly wonderful. Both loved me dearly. One was better for me. Our life is a series of choices and most of the time, they're not fun. In less than 11 months I ended up divorced. I still believe I would have been eternally happy with the other man. He's now also married, with a baby. We were able to make peace with one another even after me running out of the life had built. He's an amazing man and I hope nothing but the best for him. All of this may seem crazy and pointless to explain, but isn't that life?

In a little under two weeks i'll celebrate my 29th birthday. I am in no way in complete understanding of how this world works or how to conduct a life that will go off without a hitch, but i've been extremely blessed to have lived through some pretty large times of learning and growth. Today I want to talk to the 22 year old me. The 22 year old you. So hold on sweet ones and try to believe me when I share my experience. You'll learn on your own time, but here is what I've learned in mine.

It's okay to feel completely lost.
Don't be afraid to feel confused, lost, unsure and without direction. Those are important moments and times when your life is changing in a way that will form you to be an amazing human being. You don't have to have it all figured out right now, it will work together for good. But you have to continue on so life can fall into place as it should. You're okay. Trust me.

You are not fat.
Just stop your mouth from moving. Seriously, stop talking. I remember when I was your age, starving myself to be teeny tiny and still thinking I was hideous. I now look at photos of myself during those times and it breaks my heart that I didn't see how cute I was! There is more to this life than fitting into a size 0 and having your collarbone show. In fact, that's not even remotely important in the big picture. Put the scale away, and throw on the outfit you've been wishing you could wear without the slew of self loathing comments you say to yourself and get out there. You're adorable. 

Heartbreak is important.
I remember times like the ones I spoke of above, and several others where my heart felt completely shattered. I also remember what it felt like to finally understand the purpose of those periods of unimaginable pain. It's for a reason, and it's essential.

Be present in today.
Stop thinking about tomorrow, and the next day, and 10 years from now. Being in your life is an incredible thing because it's YOURS. Live it, feel it, breathe it and enjoy it.

Pray.
I didn't understand for a long time why this was so important. I wish I would have had the understanding that I have of prayer today. If nothing else in the beginning prayer is a way to ease the anxiety of carrying it all. You don't have to do that. God would love to carry your burdens.

Take pictures.
Not just ones you'll post to instagram. Document your life. It's beautiful and it's worthy of reflection. You'll want to remember these moments. You'll never be here again and this is your story. Journal your experiences in images and be blessed by the emotions they make you feel upon looking back on them.

Your desires will change all the time, but these desires are good.
I wanted different things then than I want now. It doesn't mean the things I once wanted were bad. It simple means my goals and visions shift and transform. This process will never end. Never feel like the things you genuinely are not valid simply because someone else doesn't want them. Even if that someone else is someone you love very much. Again, you are you.

Enjoy drinks.
I am an alcoholic, so I don't ever enjoy drinks. But if you are not an alcoholic, enjoy the times you share over drinks. Enjoy the company and the fun memories you have in those interactions. Drinks are fun. Life is fun.

Date around.
I will promise you that there are several hundred people on this planet that you can have a successful relationship with. There isn't just one. There is no perfect fit. Dating around is weird, it's awkard, and at times downright uncomfortable, but in the end it teaches you a hell of a lot about what you want and what you're attracted to. Plus, dating can be fun because meeting people is fun, and so is free food. Kidding. Kind of.

Explore religion, regions, and most importantly- yourself.
I seem to have taken this one very seriously as I managed to join several religions and life several different lifestyles by the time I was 26, but I can't explain to you the amount that helped me learn about what I believe. Explore God and people that believe in him. Explore the world you live in and move around. Spread your wings, and learn to fly. You meet the coolest people when you change things up. You'll meet yourself along that journey.

Do what you want, and do it now.
One day, you won't have the luxury of being able to be frivolous and honestly, irresponsible. At this age, you can be. Be safe, and use judgement, but if you have a desire to go, then go. If you have a desire to change your direction, change it.

Your intuition is almost always correct.
I don't have much to say about this. Just trust me.

It's okay to feel you love more than one person at once.
I remember sitting in my bedroom during that crazy time in my life and thinking, what the hell is wrong with me. How can I feel this way. I'm sure i'm crazy. You're not. As I said before, there are several hundred people you can be with. If you happen to experience love the way I did at 22 and end up having to choose, choose wisely and consider yourself, your heart and what you want for your future.

Find out who you are.
Take time to figure out who you are. Be confident in yourself before you enter into love. It's okay to be alone. Sometimes, okay, often times, this is the best thing for you. You will hate it. It's boring and it sucks to not have someone to cuddle with and make you feel beautiful but what's better than that is knowing your worth without someone filling you up. Also- in doing so, you'll have a lot easier time making the hard decisions in life. Once you know your value and your worth you settle for nothing less. This may be the most important piece of advise I NEVER listened to at 22.

Accept Prise.
You're really incredible. I mean that. You're smart, and funny, and capable. When someone tells you things like this, accept it. It's okay to feel good about yourself. It's a fabulously humbling experience to magnify someones strengths. If someone does this for you, allow them the pleasure and thank them. Then, go magnify someone else's!

Keep sex for someone special.
Sex is fun. Really fun. It's also really rewarding and really emotional. At least, for us women. For men, sadly but truthfully, sex is sex. Not all men, but a great majority. You're a woman and you are a sexual being that excites a man. Often times that's all it will ever be for him. You will hear all kinds of praise, and compliments that will make you feel like you want to give yourself to this person. Please don't allow this to be the thing that persuades you to do so. If a man cares about you he will wait for you. Sex should come with a level of respect and commitment. If you're afraid that a guy will stop liking you because you wont sleep with him. Good. Let him go sleep with someone else, then pray for that girl. I'm not saying you need to wait until marriage. I believe preaching that to young women is unrealistic although biblical and Godly. But if I'm being real with you babes, I know me at your age and I know that I didn't care what the bible said. I cared what this gorgeous guy I met in the hall of college said. I guess now it would be more like the gorgeous guy on Tinder, which is even worse. I promise you that isn't the kind of man you want to share such intimacy with. You're a precious and intricately crafted individual with more to offer than you even realize. Believe me when I tell you that sex with someone who TRULY loves and respects you is far more satisfying than whatever you're about to get with the guy you just met at sigma pi over a freshly poured keg beer. #cheers

Your experiences are important, mostly, for someone else.
The things you go through are important. Even if they're small, they're a big deal. Try and remember that these experiences are not only teaching you about yourself, but giving you the way to one day help, lead, and teach someone else. The pain you suffer through today will at some point encourage another. The failure you tearfully fight through will at some point inspire someone else. Thinking we experience life on the day to day only for ourselves is the most selfish thing one can think. These things are given to you to then bear witness of courage to someone else. Keep moving forward.

Make friends wherever you go.
I can't even explain to you how blessed I am by the various friendships I have made from living all over the place and getting involved in different things in life. I tend to make friends very easily and for that i'm thankful. I now have places to stay in pretty much every state in the U.S. and several places if I ever decide to visit Europe. I'm not kidding. It's so rad.

Follow your passions.
God put those feelings inside you for a reason. There have been times in my life where I felt like I had nothing really to offer people, but I had this small fire burning within me to execute this small task and truly believed it would make a difference. No matter how small you think your idea is, God has big dreams for you and the heart he put inside of your chest. It's yours alone, remember that. You have INFINITE purpose.

NO, is a complete answer.
It took me a long time to realize that I didn't have to say yes to things I didn't want to do, or feel comfortable with. It's okay to say no. And more importantly, you don't have to explain yourself.

Make friends with women that are older than you.
This was was hard for me. I am always the smartest person in the room. I have experienced the most brutal things and I have overcome them with grace so why on earth would I need to learn from some 40 something? Well babe, she knows more than you. Flat out. She's seem even more. She's hurt even more. She's grown even more. Honestly I didn't get this until just this past year. So see, I'm still learning too.

Fall in love with a power greater than yourself.
I won't preach. All I will tell you is that you are not the center of the universe. You didn't create it, and it doesn't revolve around you. Had I realized this sooner, I could have saved myself a LOT of painful evenings drowning myself in wine trying to solve my problems. This takes me back to the 5th point. PRAY.

Eat dessert.
Cheesecake, fro-yo, doughnuts, cookies, milkshakes, pie, pudding.. whatever it is. Eat it. Even if you're on a diet. Even if you're a bodybuilder and you're on prep, even if your trying to fit into those size 2's.. eat the damn cookie.

Don't Rush.
Being 22 is great. I wouldn't go back if someone paid me, but the memories I had during my 22nd year of life are still some of the greatest of my life. I worked with incredible people and still have those friendships to this day. I was a goofy young kid with a whole lot of dreams and energy. I wish I had the energy today I had then. Wine and dinner parties will come with time. Drink the cheap beer, and the late nights, stop being so worried about being a grown up. One day when your life is beautiful, but much more calm you will reminisce of the days with your friends that you could "party all night" and just how fun that was. Just BE. Find joy in the journey. I know, this is kind of a repeat. It's important!

Admit failure.
I hate to be wrong. It's the most irritating thing for me. I also hate not being in control. But when I fail and when I am wrong, I quickly learn that I will realize it whether I like it or not. More often than not being humble enough to admit you're wrong, ask for help, or flat out just need someone else will get you much further than trying to run the show yourself. Don't stress. Failure is fun. You learn what you're capable of in failure and learn how to problem solve as well. Woo!

Work out and fall in LOVE with nutrition.
If I had done this at 19 I wouldn't have hated myself so much at 22. I promise that it's a happy life. It may not always be the most fun, but nothing feels as good as being healthy.

Last but not least...

GOD HAS NOT FORGOTTEN YOU.
If you feel alone. If you feel like your life isn't where you expected it to be or all these things you assumed you'd have by this time have just not come to be, be not afraid. God has not forgotten you. God knew you before you were born. He knows everything you're going through. You're never alone and I mean that literally. The plan for your life is a real one and is going exactly the way the it's supposed to. You just have to have to trust the timing of your life. Hold on just a little while longer and be blown away by the things that are in store for you.

You're so beautiful. Not just beautiful, but miraculous.

I'm praying for you.
XOXO,
Dani